The expression “benign neglect” means that the neglect or lack of attention was intentional and done ostensibly to help someone or something. This may work well for a cactus, but not the other person. Neglect is offensive in many circumstances, especially when it involves children. Neglect or neglect is the most common form of child abuse.
When you were neglected as a child, it becomes difficult to perceive the world and the people in it as friendly. There is almost always a sense of perceived threat and anxiety. You can try to push the anxiety away, but it never goes away for long. Unlike a full-blown panic attack, this anxiety is more subtle, usually lying beneath the surface of our daily lives. A harsh word or an unexpected change, even a positive one, can cause you to feel like you are nobody and that you have no one, no matter how much you are loved.
Self-confidence is something you don’t think about because you weren’t taught it as a child for lack of attention. At any moment someone will find out that your parents don’t love you and you have no right to play with other children. That’s how you felt. That feeling, and that awful fog of worthlessness envelops you like a wet towel that cannot be thrown away.
No matter how successful you become, no matter how confident you are about the love of your life, when you grow up neglected, you can keep worrying that everything will disappear because you are not worthy of being loved. If love has eluded you before and you’ve been traumatized by it, dropping it back can be scary.
If you are an adult and feel neglected in your relationship, please reevaluate your situation and emotional worth by staying with someone who treats you poorly. Think about what your life is really like, or what you would like it to be. If you have to go for a better life, do it.
If you have not been taught to love yourself, you must develop this ability in yourself regardless of your current circumstances. There is no reason to let those feelings of lack make your life miserable. You can begin to get rid of your pain through personal growth work, taking steps to understand that this incomplete view of yourself is wrong, and allowing (or forcing) your pain to go away.
It sounds difficult and painful. But you need to let go of the pain of the past, to cry the tears that cleanse you. Ask yourself, if others believe in you and think you are worthy of their love and attention, aren’t you worthy?
